cusping

It’s always the littlest things that make the biggest difference. Like a smile you can never forget. Or a smell. Or a fluttering of eyelashes. We always wish we could stay the same. But it is foolish to think that we can defy the sands of time and remain untouched. Our skin loses its color, hair becomes wiry and our teeth all fall out. So with our minds.

Living in the moment does have its setbacks. Can you imagine how even doing mundane tasks could present problems, because from one moment to the next you could forget what you’ve just done. Yes, that is being extremely literal, but it is possible. Therefore, maybe some things need to be repeated just for the sake of not completely losing our minds. Some of us already have.

Mother jokes I have a selective memory. I think it’s normal. I would find remembering unimportant things quite useless. Of course, what qualifies as important is what she was hinting at. There is no point arguing with what comes natural to us. Of course, we would remember things that made a lasting impression on us. Things that hurt us and twisted our view of the world so drastically that winding ourselves back to our original state would be a miracle in itself. Change. Happens. Adapt.

The question then is, “Why do you want to return to what you were?” Why undo the effects of time and spontaneity? Every action you have taken since birth has been the result of risky and predictable guesses. True, you might make different decisions this time over and reach elsewhere. But would the person you’d become be that different from what you are today?

Picture a game of snakes and ladders. There is order there, there is direction. There are setbacks, but you still must pass every snake before you reach the end. So it is with life I think. You can start over as many times as you want. You can reinvent yourself and become a better version of yourself, or if you prefer, a lesser version, but you still have to pass the snakes. You still have to get the dice to roll the perfect number so you can win the game.

Life is not a game. Come on! Really? After all the drama you’ve had to put up with, you still think it’s a game! It’s more of a very schizophrenic soap opera. Almost nothing is constant. Characters keep changing, the genre can be anything from comedy to mystery, and there is no script to speak of. You arrive at the sets each day only to discover you have no idea what character you’re playing. The set is different, some extras are speaking some foreign language, and the director is now behind the camera. Action!

Sometimes, I really believe I have something to offer. You know, encouragement, inspiration, practicality… And then sometimes, I think about how much of a difference I’ve really made. People close to me might evaluate my presence differently, that’s expected, but how do I size myself up.

Stars in the sky are my kryptonite. That’s why I try to avoid gazing at them too often, because everything inside me melts, and I can’t feel my feet anymore. I imagine lying on a bed of sand in the desert, a soft wind caressing my features, and the night sky enfolding me. Would anything I am matter then?

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